So a lot has changed since I last blogged. I am so lost with life right now. I dropped out of CU, have no friends, and I literally wouldn't mind dying. I hate everything about my life. I have no friends..maybe i never did, it just took a hard time like this to realize they were never real. Im not becoming a communications major or Journalism major, im doing interior design. I might live at home forever going to fucking community college. I am struggling so much with finding who I am, letting go of the past and accepting things for how they are. I took a leap of faith and dropped out because I didn't like who i was becoming... a bitchy sorority girl with no backbone. I let people walk all over me, gave people way more then they would ever give me, and hated myself on the outside. Depressing huh? I put on such a good face that nobody knows just how much im hurting. I try to talk to my best friend but all she does is ignore me and tell me I'm being dramatic. Sometimes we just need someone to listen, and i need someone now.
I am so lonely it is unbearable. I have not personally talked to somebody my age in about 2 weeks. It is so hard. I know I have to be home because I would be an even more wreck at school. It is still hard though. I see couples everywhere and wonder why I cannot find a decent guy ever, I have such a guard up from so many people who have hurt me. I guess the reason why some of my friends do not fully understand me is because I have a secret in my past that I intend to keep secret. It would explain a lot of things but I don't think I will ever be ready to share that piece of me. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I need someone other than my mom and dad to tell me they love me and make the effort to love me as hard as I love many people. Maybe thats my problem too... I love too hard, I love the wrong people. Life is so poopy sometimes. This is such a hard time in my life and its harder knowing the people you would be there for in a heartbeat won't even shoot you a text to see how your doing. Move on and Let go I guess. Namaste
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